


I Understand Now

by FictionalNutter



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Apologies, Apologizing Dean Winchester, Fix-It, Forgiving Sam Winchester, Gen, Good Parent Mary Winchester, Guilty Dean Winchester, Heart-to-Heart, Possession, Post-Gadreel (Supernatural), Post-Season/Series 13, gadreel - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-03
Updated: 2018-06-03
Packaged: 2019-05-17 22:37:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14840495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FictionalNutter/pseuds/FictionalNutter
Summary: Set in an ambiguous non-canon future where the season 13 finale issue has already been resolved.Dean experienced something new when he had to deal with Michael taking over. After the experience is over and he's back home, he begins to reevaluate some previous decisions in light of his new understanding. Meanwhile, Sam wants to know why his brother has been spending so much time lost in thought.





	I Understand Now

As far as Sam could tell, Dean wasn't traumatized. With the threat of Michael gone and Dean back in control of his body, everything had settled down, and the brothers had gone back to hunting. Jack, still mostly powerless, had busied himself helping Mary keep track of and assist all the refugees from the other world. Castiel was constantly finding things to do to distract himself from the fact that Heaven was in crisis and he both couldn't help and wasn't wanted. That left Sam and Dean to their own devices. Everything was back to normal, except that Sam knew it shouldn't be.

Sam had been possessed a lot. Dean hadn't. They'd both been taken over by something else's influence in the past, but Dean didn't have experience with real possession. Even when he was demon, that was still Dean, not some interloper. Sam knew how horrific possession was, no matter what the creature was that took over. Just because Sam had never really had a chance to deal with the various possession traumas he'd experienced didn't mean he was going to let Dean sweep the experience under the rug.

"Dean?" Sam attempted to broach the subject the day after their first hunt after getting Dean back. 

"I'll let you know if I want to talk about it," had been Dean's reply.

Now, it had been a few weeks of Dean moving around in an introspective silence. He was acting pretty normal, but he so much quieter than usual, and every time Sam caught sight of him, he was staring into space, deep in thought.

One of the evenings Mary and Jack were actually in the bunker instead of out with a refugee, the Winchester matriarch confessed to Sam that she was worried about her eldest. "I know I haven't known you boys long, not really, but this doesn't seem like Dean. I know you've both been through terrible traumas, but I've never had the sense that Dean was one to..." Mary waved her hand around, looking at a loss for words, "...to just shut down like this."

Sam laid a hand on her shoulder. "Hey, just because we didn't have you until recently doesn't mean your intuition as a mother doesn't count for something. Besides, you're right. We've been through hell, literally and figuratively, but Dean doesn't shut down like this. He either shoves everything down and moves on, or he lashes out in anger and gets it all out of his system. Something specific has to be bothering him. The sitting and thinking thing is new. I don't think he's upset about what happened to him. It's something else."

Mary inclined her head. "You don't think he's upset about Michael?"

"I think he's probably furious about Michael," Sam corrected her, "but I don't think that's what he's hiding away and thinking about."

"You may be right," Mary allowed, considering that. "Someone should talk to him. How are either of you supposed to move past traumatic events if you don't get it all out in the open?"

A few different flashing memories caused a wry smile to cross Sam's face. "We mostly repress, Mom. When we do air out our issues, it doesn't always end well."

Mary scowled. "That's not healthy, Sam. I wish-" She cut herself off. Most of the time she tried to avoid making blanket statements about how her death had shaped their lives.

"It's fine, Mom. You're right. I should talk to him. I tried, before, but he didn't want to talk. I'll give it another go." Sam gave Mary a half-hug in parting before he left in search of his brother.

As usual these days, Dean was in one of the unoccupied hallways deep in the bowels of the bunker. He was pacing, with a look on his face suggesting he was trying to do calculus in his head.

"You okay?" Sam asked, standing at the end of the hall. He was trying to make up his mind over whether or not to be concerned.

Dean glanced up, meeting his brother's eyes. "Yeah. Just thinking."

"You've been doing that a lot. You're going to set off all the smoke detectors if you keep at it." Sam offered a small smile, hoping to defuse some of the tension Dean had been shrouding himself in.

Dean actually snorted. "Very funny. I just needed to work something out in my head. Shifting my worldview, I guess."

Sam raised an eyebrow. "Great. How worried do I need to be?" He could think of a few different times when Dean had adopted a new life philosophy that ended poorly for everyone. To be fair, he could think of a few times when his own shift in worldview had led to disaster.

Shaking his head, Dean smiled a little. "Nah. You'll actually be pleased, if I had to bet."

Confused, Sam stepped forward and stopped Dean from turning to pace back the other way. "Talk to me, Dean. What's going on with you? I know it's not Michael. If you were going to have some kind of existential crisis about that it would have happened already."

Dean scowled, but didn't tense up again. "Yeah. I'm pissed about a lot of things, but you're right. That's not what I've been thinking about."

"So spill. If you keep whatever all this is," Sam gestured vaguely at his brother, "bottled up, you're going to explode at some point."

"You're right," Dean admitted, heaving a heavy sigh. "This is going to be awkward."

Sam raised an eyebrow again. "Dude, you've unleashed full on tidal waves of repressed rage at me before. I can handle awkward."

Dean winced. "Okay, that's fair. I didn't mean awkward for you though. Awkward for me. Like I said, my worldview has shifted."

"I'm on pins and needles, man." Sam huffed. "Just tell me already."

"I'm sorry about Gadreel, Sammy."

Sam blinked. "Wait, what?"

Dean flinched. "I'm sorry," he repeated. "I should  _never_ have done that to you. All this time, I thought it was justified. I thought keeping you alive was more important, but I should have found another way." He blinked a few times, looking abruptly like the confession was going to bring him to tears. "I was wrong to trick you, and I should never have put you in harm's way like that."

Sam was gaping. "That's what all of this brooding was about?" Dean didn't apologize. Like,  _ever_. When he did, it was rare and usually rushed past to avoid lingering awkwardness. There was a litany of things Sam had forced himself to move past and forgive Dean for under the impression he would never hear his brother admit fault. Gadreel had been a hard one. They'd moved past it out of necessity more than anything.

Dean nodded in response to Sam's question. "I've never been possessed," he explained with a helpless shrug. "I never realized it until Michael. You had to deal with freaking Lucifer, and even Meg, before the tattoos, but Gadreel, that was my fault. Not just my fault, I did that to you. Michael took over against my will, but I knew he was there. I could fight him. You didn't get that choice. I just forced him on your without your knowledge and he-" Dean stopped, choking over the emotion clogging his throat. He blinked again, careful not to let tears form. He sucked in a deep breath and tried to relax a little.

"I understood," Sam said quietly. "I was furious, and hurt, and in pain, but I still understood."

"But you would never have done that to me," Dean was quick to point out. "You even said it. I understand exactly how angry you must have been now. I get it. I never understood before. I thought you were just being selfish. How much of an ass am I? That I thought you were being selfish because you didn't want to be friggin possessed!"

"Hey, whoa," Sam reached out and grabbed Dean's shoulder. "I didn't say I wouldn't have done it because I was mad, Dean. I swear, that was not some kind of bitter revenge barb or something. I said it because I meant it. I know what it's like to have no control like that. It's  _awful_. You understand now, but back then, you had no idea how horrible it was knowing that everything Gadreel was able to do was because I was still alive. I wouldn't have wished that on anyone. I wouldn't have been capable of hurting you like that, because I knew exactly what the cost would be. You had no way of knowing. You still shouldn't have done it, but I forgave you for that already."

Dean huffed and shook his head. "How can you say that? I was never even really sorry. Even after Kevin. I couldn't bring myself to be sorry you were still here."

"Forgiveness is a gift, Dean." Sam offered a small smile. "You didn't have to earn it. You're my brother. I meant it - I did understand."

Dean nodded slowly. "All right, well, I'm sorry, Sammy. I actually mean it this time. Maybe more than any other time you've gotten an apology out of me."

Ignoring the uncomfortable look on Dean's face, Sam pulled his brother into a hug, tightening his arms around the shorter man's back. "I know, Dean. I'm sorry you had to go through this experience with Michael to understand. I never wanted you to be in that position."

Pulling back after returning the hug, Dean offered, "I promise to avoid being possessed in the future if you do." He seemed less burdened all of a sudden.

Sam laughed. "Deal. C'mon. Mom's here tonight, so let's go grab dinner or something, as a family. She's been worried about you."

Dean looked a little guilty, but perked up at the idea. "Yeah, good idea. I'll drive."

Sam rolled his eyes. "When do you not?"

"Perks of being the oldest," Dean teased with a grin. Looking lighter than he had in weeks, he set off down the hall.

Sam took a deep breath, then followed his brother. Mary had been right - they really did need to have that talk. A smile spread across Sam's face. She'd be glad to know her motherly intuition was working just fine!


End file.
